+A true family+
I got in another argument with my father. It seems that every time we see eachother it's a battle for the fittest. The one who can "out yell" the other is the superior one...Whoever's right wins. And he always beats be by a long shot...
"You're doing the same thing to me that my father did...you're abandoning me, Ashley. You're abusing me."
Not everyone is right...Not everyone can be perfect...no one is right in his eyes. No one is better.
When I went to live with my mom, he always seemed to be watching me. He never wanted to part from me. It's understandable, of course...he's a father. But the things he said. The harm he brought to me at my darkest hour when depression, anger, anxiety...pain...they were all I knew. I had forgotten what it was like to be happy. I forgot what it was like to live. The things he spoke of could only drive me deeper into the emotionless pit of oblivion in which I used to hold so dear...He blamed me for my decion to live with my mother...and...even now...he still does. I didn't abandon him. I love him...but...in so many ways we're similar, yet aside from that, we're almost two different people. I can't look him in the eye anymore without reminding myself not to get to carried away with my emotions. Why can't I be myself around him without making him upset? Am I really that awful? Am I that bad? Can't I even hold onto this relationship between a father and daughter? Is...Is there even a RELATIONSHIP?
I'm tired of hoping...tired of waiting for him to see me as someone who knows the pains of rejection. He's not the only one who's been shut out before...He did the same to me...in a way, it's good for him, I suppose. In a way, he can learn to put himself in another's shoes.
He's never been one to do such a thing...He always assumes what it's like for not just me but my mother as well.
That's one of the reasons why she left him in the first place...
I can remember the expression on his face oh so long ago when I was merely three...the way he gripped the knife which sat on the counter, his once expressionless eyes growing wide with startlement and rage. He blamed my mother then, too. The same way he did to me...
How he was abandoned...
Using his past against his opponents...So predictable yet so heart-breaking and painful to hear. But it's not always his past. No...He uses his pride, stupidity, and stubborn attitude to get away in our silly little arguments which tend to boil so rapidly...How they grow so feirce and wild as each word escapes our rambling mouths...
I've never known what it was like to be loved...
and
There's nothing wrong with you. You're still my happy little girl...
also
I'm not going to waste my money just for therapy. There's nothing wrong with you, got that? You're happy. YOU'RE HAPPY.
And the worst of all...
Do you even know what you're doing? Do you know how much pain this has caused Connye?
The moment those words escaped his lips...
The pain it caused her? She doesn't even know pain. She doesn't know what it's like to sacrafice, not just emotion, but flesh and blood for someone you love. She doesn't know what it's like to remain trapped within the shadows of those around her...she doesn't know what it's liked to be abused by siblings and shut out by her elders. She doesn't know what pain so many others have been put through...
So many others...so many of my OWN friends.
Sherri...You poor girl. Why must you hurt yourself in such a way? Why must you bleed for a reason which only causes even more agony? Please...do not forget the pleasures of our friendship. Please...don't let go of this relationship between us. I'll always need you with me.
Audrey...so young and fragile. Do not go down such a path in which can only lead to destruction. You're like a little sister to me...And I'll always love you for your adorable personality. I can never forget those long nights filled with junk food and fairy tales of places so far away...
Hannah...my, my, I can't even begin to say the words...You're so wonderful. In every way. You've taught me to be myself around others. You made me believe that one day, the troubles we face will soon be gone...
You were right...
Mario. NICKLEBOY!! God, you are like a brother to me! You always make sure I stay out of trouble...You saved my life once, and you've always said you'd be willing to do it again. I'll always be by your side, my brother, my friend...
Alix, I've only met you this year, yet I feel like I've known you for ages! You're so wonderful...you make me laugh so much! You lift my spirits when the darkness seems to have already taken it's hold upon my body...And for that, I remain forever in your debt.
Nero!! *tackles* MY SECOND BROTHER!! You're a brilliant man, and I look up to you for your kindness, intelligence, and inspiring words. You mean so much to me, my dear...You truely are a wonderful friend. And even as the eternal winter shall rage on, I shall keep the memory of you within me to warm my spirits and light my way through the darkness.
Now, now...Leon. How do I say this without getting too carried away? I love you with a burning passion in which can never be replaced by the eternal flames of the sun and more! And as time drifts on, the passion which still burns bright within my heart will never fade. I love you...so very very much. Even though we remain thousands of miles away, I know you'll always be there even in my darkest hour. You'll be there with open arms...And I will do the same in return. I will be there for you like you will for me. I love you for your positively amazing personality...you're so kind and brilliant, wise, clever, and however clumbsy, you're still the same hillarious, charming, dazzling prince of my dreams. I love you...
So, what I've come to realize is that, even though there may be trouble brewing between me and my family members, I still have my closest friends to depend on. My loves, my inspiration, my heart and joy...You all mean so much to me--
I don't know what I would do without you all.
There would be no purpose in this life...
In a way, I suppose, you all are my true family. Sherri, Audrey, Hannah, Mario, Alix, Nero, and Leon...
SCREW MY DAD!! FORGET ABOUT CONNYE AND MY MOTHER!! SIBLINGS AND ALL!! You all mean so much more...You are my real family. YOU are my truest friends.
SO LET US REJOICE IN THE DEPTHS OF DARKNESS TO BRING FORTH THE LIGHT OF OUR DESIRED HAPPINESS!
Let us live in this world where our problems seem so far away...Let us forget about the agony of reality...Just for a moment.
Just for a moment...
I got in another argument with my father. It seems that every time we see eachother it's a battle for the fittest. The one who can "out yell" the other is the superior one...Whoever's right wins. And he always beats be by a long shot...
"You're doing the same thing to me that my father did...you're abandoning me, Ashley. You're abusing me."
Not everyone is right...Not everyone can be perfect...no one is right in his eyes. No one is better.
When I went to live with my mom, he always seemed to be watching me. He never wanted to part from me. It's understandable, of course...he's a father. But the things he said. The harm he brought to me at my darkest hour when depression, anger, anxiety...pain...they were all I knew. I had forgotten what it was like to be happy. I forgot what it was like to live. The things he spoke of could only drive me deeper into the emotionless pit of oblivion in which I used to hold so dear...He blamed me for my decion to live with my mother...and...even now...he still does. I didn't abandon him. I love him...but...in so many ways we're similar, yet aside from that, we're almost two different people. I can't look him in the eye anymore without reminding myself not to get to carried away with my emotions. Why can't I be myself around him without making him upset? Am I really that awful? Am I that bad? Can't I even hold onto this relationship between a father and daughter? Is...Is there even a RELATIONSHIP?
I'm tired of hoping...tired of waiting for him to see me as someone who knows the pains of rejection. He's not the only one who's been shut out before...He did the same to me...in a way, it's good for him, I suppose. In a way, he can learn to put himself in another's shoes.
He's never been one to do such a thing...He always assumes what it's like for not just me but my mother as well.
That's one of the reasons why she left him in the first place...
I can remember the expression on his face oh so long ago when I was merely three...the way he gripped the knife which sat on the counter, his once expressionless eyes growing wide with startlement and rage. He blamed my mother then, too. The same way he did to me...
How he was abandoned...
Using his past against his opponents...So predictable yet so heart-breaking and painful to hear. But it's not always his past. No...He uses his pride, stupidity, and stubborn attitude to get away in our silly little arguments which tend to boil so rapidly...How they grow so feirce and wild as each word escapes our rambling mouths...
I've never known what it was like to be loved...
and
There's nothing wrong with you. You're still my happy little girl...
also
I'm not going to waste my money just for therapy. There's nothing wrong with you, got that? You're happy. YOU'RE HAPPY.
And the worst of all...
Do you even know what you're doing? Do you know how much pain this has caused Connye?
The moment those words escaped his lips...
The pain it caused her? She doesn't even know pain. She doesn't know what it's like to sacrafice, not just emotion, but flesh and blood for someone you love. She doesn't know what it's like to remain trapped within the shadows of those around her...she doesn't know what it's liked to be abused by siblings and shut out by her elders. She doesn't know what pain so many others have been put through...
So many others...so many of my OWN friends.
Sherri...You poor girl. Why must you hurt yourself in such a way? Why must you bleed for a reason which only causes even more agony? Please...do not forget the pleasures of our friendship. Please...don't let go of this relationship between us. I'll always need you with me.
Audrey...so young and fragile. Do not go down such a path in which can only lead to destruction. You're like a little sister to me...And I'll always love you for your adorable personality. I can never forget those long nights filled with junk food and fairy tales of places so far away...
Hannah...my, my, I can't even begin to say the words...You're so wonderful. In every way. You've taught me to be myself around others. You made me believe that one day, the troubles we face will soon be gone...
You were right...
Mario. NICKLEBOY!! God, you are like a brother to me! You always make sure I stay out of trouble...You saved my life once, and you've always said you'd be willing to do it again. I'll always be by your side, my brother, my friend...
Alix, I've only met you this year, yet I feel like I've known you for ages! You're so wonderful...you make me laugh so much! You lift my spirits when the darkness seems to have already taken it's hold upon my body...And for that, I remain forever in your debt.
Nero!! *tackles* MY SECOND BROTHER!! You're a brilliant man, and I look up to you for your kindness, intelligence, and inspiring words. You mean so much to me, my dear...You truely are a wonderful friend. And even as the eternal winter shall rage on, I shall keep the memory of you within me to warm my spirits and light my way through the darkness.
Now, now...Leon. How do I say this without getting too carried away? I love you with a burning passion in which can never be replaced by the eternal flames of the sun and more! And as time drifts on, the passion which still burns bright within my heart will never fade. I love you...so very very much. Even though we remain thousands of miles away, I know you'll always be there even in my darkest hour. You'll be there with open arms...And I will do the same in return. I will be there for you like you will for me. I love you for your positively amazing personality...you're so kind and brilliant, wise, clever, and however clumbsy, you're still the same hillarious, charming, dazzling prince of my dreams. I love you...
So, what I've come to realize is that, even though there may be trouble brewing between me and my family members, I still have my closest friends to depend on. My loves, my inspiration, my heart and joy...You all mean so much to me--
I don't know what I would do without you all.
There would be no purpose in this life...
In a way, I suppose, you all are my true family. Sherri, Audrey, Hannah, Mario, Alix, Nero, and Leon...
SCREW MY DAD!! FORGET ABOUT CONNYE AND MY MOTHER!! SIBLINGS AND ALL!! You all mean so much more...You are my real family. YOU are my truest friends.
SO LET US REJOICE IN THE DEPTHS OF DARKNESS TO BRING FORTH THE LIGHT OF OUR DESIRED HAPPINESS!
Let us live in this world where our problems seem so far away...Let us forget about the agony of reality...Just for a moment.
Just for a moment...
