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There's something I truly feel is missing in my life, and I know this sounds so cliche, but it is a very painful feeling. I am dying, day by day, and not just the usual process of life, but a deeper version of death.
I cry myself to sleep at night, I try to be happy during the day, and I wish to be taken in by the water I love so very much when I take my showers or when I stand in the rain that still falls because I am sad.
I want to die, if only to destroy the pain that surrounds my life. I think I might be a major mental problem or something, because I have had two other periods of time in my life when this happened. I believe I noted that in a previous journal, however, so I will not write them down here.
And you know what? My dreams are as normal as ever, the only thing is, most of them are with someone who is or was important in my life, and it usually involves me having to leave them, which makes me cry.
Yesterday I fell asleep in class, and when I awoke, my eyes were moist from tears, and my arm too. I wonder if anyone saw me crying. I wonder if anybody cared.
Make it go away. The pain, I mean. It will not go away, no matter what I do. It makes me angry, frustrated, sad, lonely, suicidal, homocidal, jealous, depressed, and most of all: dangerous to those around me. I feel it in my blood, the loathing to kill something or someone. It is a dark and evil secret that hovers in the back of my mind, haunting me in my sleep and sometimes in my waking hours; it is something I cannot destroy or get rid of, I so want to, though. So, make it go away, so that I will not have to feel like a crazed maniac anymore, and so that I may meet someone who may love me back, the same way I love them.
Help me, I am dying.
 Lady_Esmerel · Sat May 21, 2005 @ 08:18am · 1 Comments |
