Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Twisting, turning, bending, breaking, lost, found.....Life. Life.

There is hunger, pain, happiness, dreams, hopes, nightmares, fears. Wherever there is one there is an opposite. A sudden feeling of elation can not last forever, it must be replaced by either mediocrity, complacency, or worse.

Its the only way we appreciate each day or understand the sweat and work that goes into other harder times.

But sometimes I drown, get lost, feel myself lose control as I sink slowly into dark thoughts, into loneliness, into confusion and chaos. I had a high one day, a low the next and this rollercoaster is giving me more nausea then anything in my life. I know I am not the only person on this earth to feel it, to experience it and I know I have had more ups in my life then many people have. I should be grateful.

I am. Most days.

Ahh, but things have gotten better. Work has handed me basically the whole record keeping system for jobs and said, here. You are one of two people that knows how to do this now, don't mes up. I guess that is a way of saying 'We'll keep you around for a bit.'

That is great! But I worry still, about money, about what might happen in the future if something goes wrong. I won't be prepared at all tohandle it. It scares me that I don't have anything to fall on but debt from school. Its the price I pay to be able to have the job I do. I don't plan on losing it any time soon.

I still feel like I am drifting. So much on my shoulders. Its puishing me down, down. And all I can do is grab onto the little piddly things that make me happy briefly but then add to the weight that is on my back. They are like the loose rocks on the shore next to me as I try to pull myself out.

I miss people. And I think that 'person' knows who she is. I really do. Sometimes its hard not to hink I can't just walk a few blocks and go see her. To go laugh, make dinner, watch movies, play games, whack her with a lightsaber, journey to narnia, dress up, anything! I miss it. I miss her.

Josh Groban -
Let me fall
Let me climb
There’s a moment when fear
And dreams must collide

Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear them

Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise

I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains

Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear

Let me fall
If I fall
There’s no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall