WARNING: (M) 15+ Mature Audiences please...
Yes. Homophobic. That's my own personal diagnosis anyway.
Ok, so I went to Aeron's house today at 7:30. We talked, played UNO with his sister and yeah. Then it got later and we started cuddling up to each other more. I'm not used to that much human interraction so I was still feeling a bit awkward about cuddling up...but I did it anyway to please him a bit. He is the Birthday Boy after all.
I was getting sleepy so I layed my head on his chest and came so close to falling into a deep sleep from listening to his heartbeat. Most girls would kill to be in a romantic situation like that. But me, well I wanted to take another glance at the clock and prayed that mum would come pick me up early so I could bail out. This is the kind of moment I always knew I'd want, but would always be too afraid of getting into.
This is the moment inspiring this entry. He came in for a hug and started kissing my neck, going further up 'till he rested his face on mine. It felt good sitting that way. Then he kissed me. Yeah. My first thought was "what's this?" because I was so sleepy and it was all so new to me. Then a second later it hit me. He was Frenching me. Well...trying to. I wasn't reacting so well because I was sleepy and even if I was awake I'd be wondering what to do. So I just got out of it and leant my head on his chest again.
Even though it didn't turn out so well, I have to admit it felt good. Really good. But my problem is that I just hesitate or have a wall not letting me feel comfortable with hugs or anything from anyone. It made me smile when he'd kiss my head when I layed my head on his chest, but my "outside" self just says "no." I mean...inside I just love it. And being sleepy probably wouldn't have stopped me from sitting up properly to kiss him better if I wasn't so screwed up. But I just have a shell not letting me feel comfortable with anything. Even just hugs from friends feel foreign and weird.
Yes, he whispered to me that he loves me and is crazy about me, but that didn't stop the shell holding back my feelings. It might take me a while to be able to express myself to him...or anyone. That might change the way I react to any kinds of relationships later on in life at all. Well...I guess that's all I can do right now. It's late...I'm going to just go fall asleep watching The Devil Wears Prada, eating slice and thinking things over getting used to the idea that I, of all people, was just French kissed for the first time...
Yes. Homophobic. That's my own personal diagnosis anyway.
Ok, so I went to Aeron's house today at 7:30. We talked, played UNO with his sister and yeah. Then it got later and we started cuddling up to each other more. I'm not used to that much human interraction so I was still feeling a bit awkward about cuddling up...but I did it anyway to please him a bit. He is the Birthday Boy after all.
I was getting sleepy so I layed my head on his chest and came so close to falling into a deep sleep from listening to his heartbeat. Most girls would kill to be in a romantic situation like that. But me, well I wanted to take another glance at the clock and prayed that mum would come pick me up early so I could bail out. This is the kind of moment I always knew I'd want, but would always be too afraid of getting into.
This is the moment inspiring this entry. He came in for a hug and started kissing my neck, going further up 'till he rested his face on mine. It felt good sitting that way. Then he kissed me. Yeah. My first thought was "what's this?" because I was so sleepy and it was all so new to me. Then a second later it hit me. He was Frenching me. Well...trying to. I wasn't reacting so well because I was sleepy and even if I was awake I'd be wondering what to do. So I just got out of it and leant my head on his chest again.
Even though it didn't turn out so well, I have to admit it felt good. Really good. But my problem is that I just hesitate or have a wall not letting me feel comfortable with hugs or anything from anyone. It made me smile when he'd kiss my head when I layed my head on his chest, but my "outside" self just says "no." I mean...inside I just love it. And being sleepy probably wouldn't have stopped me from sitting up properly to kiss him better if I wasn't so screwed up. But I just have a shell not letting me feel comfortable with anything. Even just hugs from friends feel foreign and weird.
Yes, he whispered to me that he loves me and is crazy about me, but that didn't stop the shell holding back my feelings. It might take me a while to be able to express myself to him...or anyone. That might change the way I react to any kinds of relationships later on in life at all. Well...I guess that's all I can do right now. It's late...I'm going to just go fall asleep watching The Devil Wears Prada, eating slice and thinking things over getting used to the idea that I, of all people, was just French kissed for the first time...
