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Since most of you don't read my LJ, I realized I should update here. I'm sure you've noticed that I haven't been around much this week. Well, for one thing, I wasn't thrilled to come to the Well after being away one night last week (Wednesday, for the wonderful Renee Fleming concert) and finding 45 pages to read. I haven't read them. I'm afraid to go look how many pages I've missed since then, it was close to 90 last time I looked, which was Saturday. Honestly, I want to read those pages, but at the same time I'm just sick of it all. It seems like there isn't a single second when someone isn't getting angry at someone else or someone is threatening to leave or someone is complaining about how no one cares about them.
I guess it's just my fault, maybe I'm too grown-up for the Well. Despite her age, Cak doesn't act any more mature than anyone else, including me. I know I'm more mature than this, otherwise I wouldn't be able to handle the huge courseload I have this semester, but when I'm in the Well I feel like I've regressed and I don't like the feeling. I'm really just sick of all the fighting. I hate to say it because it does sound so "look at me I'm angsting!" but I might be leaving soon. I'm just sick of dealing with it all. I remember when I was 13 and onward having very supportive older friends, and I wanted to pass that on, but there's only so much I can handle. I look back and wonder how anyone could deal with me back then, if I met myself now I would be hard-pressed to be sympathetic.
I just remember when I was depressed all the time, and how miserable I was, and then my parents divorced and I realized I hadn't had real problems before. After a while of being depressed about that, I realized that there wasn't anyone who was going to give me magic self-esteem or make me feel better that easily. After a while, you just have to decide that you're sick of being miserable. It's hard, especially if you're a drama queen like me, but I'd rather work at being happy than work at being miserable. I'm not going to pretend that I don't have problems, I still complain more than my fair share, but I do realize my life is pretty damn good. I'm getting an education and I have friends, maybe not a very close-knit group, but they're there.
I don't know when I'll be coming back. When I'm not burnt out on Gaia anymore, I suppose. I still check once a day or so, so if any of you guys feel like PMing me, I'll answer. I'm still questing, so donations are still welcome. xd Seriously, though, I've been scarce on AIM for a reason (because the Well extends there too) and should be returning to my main screenname soon, if I haven't already.
Later.
 Tohru Morisato · Wed Oct 06, 2004 @ 12:35am · 2 Comments |
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