Please leave all overcoats, canes, and top hats with the doorman
And from that moment, you'll be out of place and underdressed
I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it
Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring and
When you're in black slacks with accentuating off-white pinstripes, whoa-oh
Everything goes according to plan
I'm the new cancer, never looked better
And you can't stand it
I know because you say so under your breath
You're reading lips, "When did he get at all confident?"
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?
Never looked better
And you can't stand it
Next is a trip to the ladies room in vain
I bet you just can't keep up with these fashionistas
Tonight, tonight, you are, you are the whispering campaign
To them, your name is "Cheap", and you look like sh--
Talk to the mirror, choke back tears
And keep telling yourself that, "I'm a diva."
Oh, and the smokes in that cigarette box at your table
They just so happen to be laced with nitroglycerin
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?
I've never looked better and you can't stand it
And I know, and I know
It just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up
I've never been so surreptitious
So of course you'll be distracted when I spike the punch
