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Stream of Consciousness Writing |
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So I was thinking the other day, the people that I used to be friends with in school..they wouldn't even recognize me today. I mean I look pretty much the same. But I really feel like I've changed so much. I feel like I'm more true to who I am. I'm not hiding parts of myself or pretending to be someone else so that people like me. Im more "take me as I am." It gets honestly so exhausting to pretend to be someone you're not. Physically, emotionally, mentally...it's exhausting. It's like you get home at the end of the day and take off your mask, the mask that you wear in front of the world. And just breathe.
I've always, always, always wanted people to like me. No matter what it took. I wanted so deeply just to fit in and be like everyone else. And then, when I realized I couldn't fit in, I decided to become a more extreme version of myself. Looking back on it I know people probably just thought I was weird. I would only listen to indie a** bands that no one has ever heard of. I would wear clothes that I thought made me look different. I would try so hard to stick out from everyone else that it became a facade I had to keep up. I did have a small group of friends. At the time, I cherished them. They were there for me through it all. Or so I thought. Looking back on it, they did not know the real me. The only knew who I presented. It's hard to connect with people on any sort of level when you can't even connect with yourself.
People made me feel like s**t once they saw who I really was. Like they were uninterested in this boring version of me, even though it was the real me. I wasn't crazy or fun all the time. I liked to sit at home, read or draw or listen to music. Yeah, I still liked those indie bands and stuff, but I branched out and found other things too. But I guess that's not interesting enough for people. My "friends" told me I changed, especially after high school. And I did. They were right. I felt like most of school was me sitting in the front of a classroom and just mentally whispering, "Please talk to me please look at me just please notice me". And now I'm cool with sitting in the back, going by unnoticed. I became more of a listener instead of a talker.
I have 2 of the best friends anyone could ask for. They have seen every single side of me. They know, to my core, who I really am. That's all I can ask for. I'm not ashamed to be myself, to blare Backstreet Boys when we're riding around with the windows rolled down, and it feels good. To finally be at some sort of peace with myself.
My number one fan has always been my mom. I really feel like we can do no wrong by eachother. She'll always be my crutch, my somebody to lean on. And my husband. I count each and every lucky star for him. He accepts me fully and unconditionally. There's that little part of me, and there always will be, that just wants love and to feel accepted. And I'm glad I've found it, and that I'm not searching for it in the wrong places or from people who don't know the real me.
Well, that's about it for now. Hope you all take care.
 yay_its_molly · Thu Jul 26, 2018 @ 03:44am · 0 Comments |
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