November 18, 2009 Wednesday 9:48 PM
Sennyo,
...I ******** it up, as usual, huh? I asked in the end of it if I could have a hug (to Den Ruts). He looked at me strangely and asked why him, I replied to him it was just because I was in a good mood. I told him that if not then it was all right at least twice. I back away a step each time I said that. I then asked Julie, standing to my left, if I could have a hug, she complied and she said it was a fierce hug or something like that. He said that he didn't really give out hugs.
It's changed everything now, hasn't it? I should have waited until this Spring for the Awards Night, and my reasoning to be because I would be sad to see him go. Damn.
Mirror said that she really enjoyed me when I was off that dreadful(?) medication. She said I was so happy, and laughed a lot, and participated in things. Not that she was saying that I should get off of them she said.
I say that these things would take no offense to me. But, that's not true at all, is it? I just hold back from saying anything. I guess that's the big difference between saying things won't take offense in the internet, and then online. In the internet, I could cry my eyes out if something hurt me, but say that I'm okay and everyone believe me and/or leave me be. But, in real life, I... I'm just not that good of an actor I guess.
Ha, I would be a horrible actor in FR wouldn't I?
More than anything I want to be embraced.
More than anything I want someone to say to me that it's okay to be me.
I'm probably just not his kind of attractive, or that I'm Asian, or that I hang out with the wierd kids/am a wierd kid, or that I got to a Catholic school, or that I go to an all-girls school, or he doesn't like my voice, or my attitude, or something.
Loving Him doesn't count.
Er, forgive me for saying that. I'm honestly not trying to insult you.
More than anything I want to love and be loved in return.
On the retreat, on Monday, on the 16th Ali had reminded me that it was two months since Kevin had died. We hugged. Just a few minutes later we hugged again and I was crying. I'm really grateful to her, Magic, for everything.
I was thinking of him today again. Two months and two days. Huh, it just... hasn't seemed that long of a time, you know? While thinking of something to say to you here, I browsed through some old entries. Some entries concerning Kevin were brought up, and, oh Yevon, I cried again.
Disappointment. Rejection. It all seems the same to me as of late. I'm still pissed at myself though over the whole Den Ruts thing.
Xakk and I have been speaking a little bit over facebook. He's dyed his adorable mohawk a pinkish red. And y'know what? He's a vier-chen/tard as well! He's learning Japanese at his college and works a third shift as a stock-boy at a Meijers.
So many hopes and dreams, lost in these paths I've been stumbling over. Newfound ones quickly vanishing as well.
E's cu cunno.
[End Log] 10:27 PM
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