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I feel really upset.
I'm going through all these emotions and i'm absolutely clueless as how to deal with them.
My friend is going to join the Marines once school lets out basically, I will never see him in person again. Maybe all i'll have of him will be my memories.
My moodiness started this Monday after school when I bumped my head against his as a farewell until later. Almost immediately I felt my mood change. I was cranky during practice and everything hurt, when he would come around I would turn bitter and hateful, and I didn't know why.
I knew I was not in a likable mood so I opted to stray from people and sit alone to try and cool down. I kept staring at my friend and debating whether I was well enough or not to go and talk to him. In the end I decided it was best not to, no matter since he was with other girls. And strangely, I didn't care at all. Not even when my parents kept saying things and maybe even trying to upset me, I had stopped caring.
Today it was sort of the same, I refused to talk to him and stayed by myself as much as I could. If he tried to talk to me and try to find out what was wrong with me I would brush him off. And you know, I still don't care. Maybe if he was more sincere, then again I don't know what sincere is. But trying to use the old "oh-gosh-i'm-your-friend-and-it's-my-JOB-to-care" doesn't work on me. I suppose he was doing it out of custom, because I didn't hear any concern in his voice, they were just words that he HAD to spit out.
And i'm also supposing that he thought my problem would be over since he took the liberties of asking for hugs, even though I don't like hugs. I do it because it's expected of me and it makes everyone think i'm okay or normal, I think it's a simple waste of energy and it leaves you to be close and vulnerable to people. Which in friendship is fine but I was not in a friendly mood. But i'm not holding the hugs things against him, I don't tell people these things so he had no way of knowing. I try to be fair and reasonable sometimes in my anger.
Well other than being silently hostile to my best friend, i'm also being hostile to people I got along with before. The simplest things can turn me against them and make them intolerable. I think there's only 10 or so people i'm fine with. Everyone else is either not important or they committed some small offense at me.
But my main issue is with my friend, I still have no idea what to do. He is my closest friend and life without him seems empty. So i'm reacting in irrational ways like ignoring him flat-out, being clingy as hell, or being angry at him over the simplest things. I don't know what to do with myself. I have a deep emotional attachment with this person and it scares me to know that in a year's time i'll have to go on without him. I love him, and i'm scared. Right now my only defense seems to be trying to kick him out of my life while I have a choice and not have him simply walk away. In fact while i'm typing this it seems like I want to be the one in control of what happens, I don't want to be the sad dog that's been left behind because there's no part in that life for it. I don't want to feel abandoned so if i'm the one abandoning I can feel like I chose for it to happen and won't feel as heart-broken.
And I can't talk to him about it, he's not a "feeling" person. And yes i've tried explaining how I feel only to feel ignored. I wrote a damn letter for his birthday, three damn pages long and when I feel upset he has no idea what could be wrong. Sure asking is fine and all as a automatic response but he should also have a small idea in the back of his mind "oh wait maybe it's-"
But it's never anything like that, he has no frigging clue. And that makes me feel ignored. I take the time to explain what's wrong and make it plain and simple to him and he makes it seem like it's nothing.
"You never tell me anything-"
I DO
You just never listen closely, maybe if you were the friend I think you are, you'd at least retain a bit of information or listen.
You make me feel that while i've been there putting my thought and feelings out there for you to hear, you were nodding your head mechanically trying to make me feel like I was being listened to. And that makes me feel like crap. That my closest friend and the person I love cannot even try to listen when I try to speak.
Why do you think I don't try to talk to you about my feelings anymore? This dog learned from her mistakes.
People don't truly listen, they just pretend to care, they want to feel like they're helping.
Maybe when I get some courage, i'll try one last time to see if I can make you understand.
 Nirrina · Wed Oct 07, 2009 @ 05:54am · 0 Comments |
