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-omitted-
So. Looking back on me and Jayce, and why this last stint was the straw to break the camel's back. And why i'm so angry about it. Here are my thoughts...
...Y'know, I don't have much to say. I regret it. Big soul-sucking waste of time. Maybe I didn't talk enough. Maybe Jayce didn't. Don't know, don't care. I'm mostly peeved at how ******** immature and childish of a reaction that was.
Y'know what irks me, though. The second day I tried to contact Jayce and was all-out ignored/blocked entirely, I was going to ask if he could hop over so I could sing on the mic to 'em. Haha, dodged a bullet that time, didn't ya?
I can't help but feel like I kept getting compared to whatever skeletons from his closet. Always felt like he thought at any moment I was gonna grow claws and fangs and go Angsty Shem or some s**t.
Y'know what else really ticked me off the whole time? All the hypocrisy.
I mean, I kept getting all these warnings for what? Hidden threats? Or hidden messages or whatever. Or trying to start s**t up publicly. And I never did any of that.
If I ever wanted to start something publicly, i'd make it VERY OBVIOUS. No, actually, he always gave off all the hidden messages and s**t that I kept getting called out on.
Never said any names. Or reasons why. Just left it up to assumption so technically you weren't really doing it, right? I hate that s**t. I hate when people do that. Be up-front! Post lyrics to some clever little song for no particular reason, right? Post tiny little font messages like this right here, to show how subtle you're being, right? All this talk of "I care for him - Why's he like this" but never an actual name so nobody really knows who the ******** you're talking about, right? Why? That way it's not as big a slap in the face? That way you're not really talking about anybody, right?
No, i'm alot simpler to work than that. If you want me to stop talking to you, if you don't want to bother with me anymore, all you'd have to do was say so. But just letting me up and stumble on a mile of blockades? The [********]? Wouldn't it have just been easier to up-front say "Hey, ******** off buddy. Leave me alone from now on"?
All this censored s**t, though, drives me ******** insane. It's the third - count that, third - time an ex did that type of thing to me. I ******** HATE IT. And y'know I think Jayce probably thinks, at least that's the impression I kept getting the whole time, that "Oh, you compared me to your exes the whole time! You were expecting me to end up like them so you subconsciously made it happen" right? Wrong. Not even going to try and list off all the reasons why that wasn't the case, it just wasn't. I'm just cursed to keep falling for the type of people who do that s**t to me, I guess. Hahahahahahahahahaha ha ha ha ha ha!
Who would have thought five whooooooooole days was enough to say ******** to somebody who's sole goal was to make you happy. Five whole days. Yeah, that makes you pathetic. "Should I maybe contact him and maybe, oh I don't know, b***h HIM OUT AND YELL AT HIM for leaving me alone for five whole days? No. No, instead i'll reward absence with more absence. Not talking about it makes you right!" But then Jayce probably thought "I shouldn't have to go out of my way to contact him, hmph. Come to ME." And honestly, he ain't wrong. That was mean of me and inconsiderate of me not to. I know that. And I would have apologized, or at least a thousand times preferred Jayce to actually up-front tell me I was being an inconsiderate ********. But nah, too noble for that method, right?
*sigh* I'm probably just being a bitter b*****d. But meh. It's easier to run. 8D
Y'know, I shouldn't get this angry about some internet bullshit. Y'know what I should do instead? I know this is a bad habit of mine - trying to make contact with people who don't see me and aren't in my actual life. I should stop doing that, and start trying to accept my actual life. Fantasies aren't meant to replace life, and that's all I ever try to gain out of internet s**t like this.... Dreams never come true. Yeah.... One thing I can say about Yuvaw, one quality I wish I had, he takes things for exactly what they are. I'm gonna try that. Or y'know, let him take the driver's seat. Whichever works. Not even like my life is that bad, really. Look good. Don't work hard. Live with people who don't annoy the ******** out of me. ******** whenever I want, party all night and sleep all day. What the ******** is wrong with me?
....To be honest, I still don't hate Jayce. Jayce Reinhardt. Sure there were some things he did that pissed me the ******** off - sure he'd say the same about me. But y'know. Everybody ******** up. Nobody's flawless. All this bitching of mine here, it really only proves how much I did care. How much I do care. If it didn't matter, I'd shrug this off, right? And i'm really only barking at the dark because... eh, i'm helpless. I can't do anything else now. Kinda like the super-aggressive chihuahua, right? *yip*yip*yip*
Knowing that doesn't really help anything, though. I shouldn't do anything. I should shrug it off. Dreams never come true, right? I know exactly what Yuvaw would say. I can practically hear it in that scratchy ********' voice. "That's what you get for letting people have power over you."
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 edaaz · Mon May 25, 2009 @ 05:34am · 0 Comments |
