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Okay. First, I would like to say that this does not apply to anyone in general, but I feel I must write this down somewhere, or I may go even farther into the depths of insanity.
As most of you know, I am no longer friends with Jennifer Silagi-san. I seperated from her for two main reasons: 1) I could no longer stand her impudence, her sadism, and her rudeness to adults and fellow minors. It disgusted me. 2) I felt as if, after I went through the Hell that was loving her, she decided to go around and replace me with newer, more better models of anime geeks. And, already, she has replaced my place in her friendship line with some strange person.
Anyway, that is not really what this is about.
I have been having very weird dreams about her lately. The normally involve her following me around and trying to hit me or cuss me out of my head. For a little while, I would simply ignore her in my dreams, and the dream would end. Well, Senpai explained to me that she thought I was having these dreams because I wanted Silagi-san to have more of a reaction to me ditching her. It made sense to me, and I stopped having the dreams.
Only about two or three days later, I started having the same dreams again. We would be in almost any type of setting, and she would just be there, trying to hit me, cussing at me, and just being extremely mean and cruel. I think, in one, she burned my stuffed animals( cry ). Anyway, this time, in my dreams, I started crying when she would do these things, and for about the past week, I have randomly been waking up and just crying for about a minute or so, and then I go back to sleep.
These dreams got me thinking again, and, as I have only confided in Drak-san(thank you for listening to me!), I believe that they are trying to tell me that I do not feel as if the situation with Silagi-san is finished. I feel incomplete in having left her side so abruptly, and I also feel as if I need to apoligize to her.
But, of course, I am a wimp, and could never face down to apoligizing to her after what she did to my heart. See: once again, I am beating myself up about something I cannot control. stare
Anyway, I have also been noticing(I feel really weird about this) that I miss her. I miss her hugs, the comfort she always gave me, her voice, her scent...I will stop there to save everyone some brain cells. lol Basically, I want to be with her again. But I know that if I even tried to go back to her, apoligize, and hang out with her again, it would never be the same as before. Our bond as been ripped in two then incinerated until there was nothing left, not even ashes.
But I still want it. I have been crying a little each night(mainly because they keep playing Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson, which is pretty much a point-blank mirror-image of what happened to me with Silagi-san), and I beat myself up when I do the littlest things that are stupid or bad(when I say "beat up", I mean this literally, like, for example, hitting myself on the head) and getting sick for no reason. evil
It is driving me insane, and I find myself making the motions of cutting myself again, even though I have not done anything of the like to myself.
And another thing: I am extremely sorry about this, Senpai, but I feel as if my bond with Silagi-san was just so much stronger and warmer than it is with you. I do not mean to demeanor you. No, not at all. You are probably the best person who has ever come in to my life. And God has blessed me so with your friendship. You are just the sweetest, and most beautiful(inside and outside) person I have ever met. Do not ever lose that quality in yourself. But, still, I want the love I had with her.
I think what this all leads up to is that I yearn for love more than anything else in my life. I want someone to love me with their whole heart, and never to leave me, like both of the loves of my life have, even though in completely different ways. ninja
Thank you to anyone who listened. Anyone who cared enough to read what I had to say. It means so much to me that you would do that for me. And I think that is just what we all need: someone to listen.
 Lady_Esmerel · Sun Sep 25, 2005 @ 06:11am · 4 Comments |
