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I don't know what I am feeling at the moment. I guess it's probably the fact that I don't want to deal with it and most likely never will...

I don't know why he did it. When he said he hated me, my world froze. After all the things we have ever done or what our friendship ment to him... it was all a joke. He was one of the only people that I actually opened myself up to and never trashed my feelings or my opinions. I knew that if I did I would get hurt in the end... but I didn't think it would happen like this. I closed up my heart to him and when doing so it just add to the crack that was already there from the people who did this before him... people that were worse then him, but it hurt more knowing he hated me and I still care about him as a friend. He knows all my weaknesses and nows what hits me the hardest.

We said some mean things.. and stuff like that. I don't know if he really ment what he said or not. It seems like it doesn't matter now. I guess... I don't even want to think about it now...

This is the best I can descibe the way I feel:

Too many times I've been pushed around
Too many times I held on when I should have shoved it down
Too many times I've worried about what to say
Too many times I've run and hide when I should have just held my ground

I let you in and you broke me down
I'm not going to believe the lies you weaved in my mind
You turned your back and now I see I've been blind
You built me up and tore me down just like a child with an ant farm

So this is how it ends in real life
I tried to ignore all of the signs
I wanted to run with out looking behind
Looks like I've fallen to many times

I'm back where I stared and there's no turning around
No matter what I say to you it would just be a waste of time
It was the people like you who gave me this anger inside
Looks like all I can do is move on and hope for a better life

You said you hate me and now I wonder if you lied
But it doesn't matter now since we are on different sides

I wrote that last night when my anger and frustation was the highest. Now I am nothing but depressed...

They are changing my meds again. I just want them to leave me alone. My med watcher person wants me to go see a theropist[sp?]... I don't want to. It won't help me at all. I rather talk to my friends than someone who doesn't know me or understand me like my friends do. She seen my cuts too... I couldn't help but smile.. I'm not to good with being caught red handed.. what more could I do but listen to her give me a lecture of things I already know. Maybe if she felt what I felt... maybe then she would understand. She's like the prep that has never been tainted by real pain... at least that is my impression of her. I know her daughters and if they are anything like her then yeah I'm right on target.

But then again... what good will it do if the friends that I talk to turn their backs on me just like Josh did. That is why I never tell people how I feel... because I am scared that I they will hurt me just like every other one of my friends did. Yet I know that they would never do that... but I thought Josh never would either. My biggest fear is being alone... they say that your worst fear has already happened to you. I guess they are right sometimes. I'm determind not to feel that loneliness again and I'm sure my friends won't let that happen either. You could say I count on my friends for my survival. I wouldn't be here if they didn't care. I'm happy that I have people to charish as much as I do.



(will finish later)