I've been thinking... ever since before I left Daniel's house tonight, I realized that I've changed so much. Everything I used to do... I have forgotten. I remember it now. It seems like yesterday. It's so close, but so out of reach. I remember when I was younger, I used to go outside at night to watch the stars and ask the wind the same things I ask myself now. Yet, then I used to have hope in what I asked. Foolishly hoping for something else. I would sing to myself, the stars, and the wind for better days. Looking at the sky tonight, I remembered that back then I picked out a group of stars that I could call my own. I looked for them tonight, just like I used to when I always could find them. I could not find it... I thought... maybe because I am not like I was then... maybe without my hope I could not find what I search for. That my dreams woven into my heart and soul, were my hope and happiness. Back then.. all I had was my anime. I guess that is why I hold it so close today. I recreated what I watched in my mind shaping my own characters with the story lines. I was the dreamer. I was the one who controled that world. Each and everyone of my characters were always... lost. I spent so many hours creating them. Drawing them. I put my whole heart into them... my dreams... my creations. They are all gone now. My fantasies of other worlds besides my own that I would escape into when I pleased... to conseal my saddness and loneliness. I hid away in my mind. It was my own place I could hide and no one could ever find me. I can't hide there anymore. I have tried... but my heart isn't in it anymore. I had no friends... so my hours were many... always lost in thought of the next adventure in my world that I created... but when I moved... I slowly withdrew from my old ways and became something else. Some I wish I wasn't now. I shaped myself into what others wanted... because I wanted to make them happy. I am like a dog... always wanting to apease everyone and always going back after I've been kicked away. So blinded by what I thought was there... but never actually looked behind the illusions... until I walked away from the ones that were no good for me. I'm stupid in so many ways... not giving up on them.. not giving up on the something that was never there. What hurt the most was the landing back into reality. I never really wanted to be held by reality. Then I wondered in and out it and some how ended up where I am now. Starting up my old habits... and turning into the stray dog I was before... hungry and starved... for the loving touch of someone who could love me the way that I loved them. I grow more starved each day that I live... I search endlessly... to find nothing... or is what I search for right infront of me? Blurred by the rain that falls each day. The person I thought was my best friend... goes distant from me, yet I do nothing to grasp on. I silently watch as if hypnotized in my own grief. I do nothing... it's all the same again. Like a cycle... it plays over and over again. My best friend is not there anymore. It's illusion has faded and so too the fake happiness that was there. Maybe I need to go back to what I was before... or... what is still inside of me. That child.. my inner self, that still had something to wake up to every morning and look forward to the world that brought me happiness. My anime... is all that I have known...
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