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Randal Graves: Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
Caitlin Bree: Can I use the bathroom?
Randal Graves: Sure, but there's no light back there.
Caitlin Bree: Why arn't there any lights?
Randal Graves: Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night. Nobody can figure it out. And the boss doesn't want to pay the electrician to fix it, because the electrician owes money to the video store.
Caitlin Bree: Such a sordid state of affairs.
Randal Graves: And I'm caught right in the middle - torn between my loyalty to the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
Caitlin Bree: Well, I'll try to manage.
Randal Graves: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.
Cat Admiring Bitter Customer: Cute cat. What's his name?
Randal Graves: Annoying customer.
Cat Admiring Bitter Customer: [grabs pack of cigarettes] ********' dickhead.
Jay: I feel good today, Silent Bob, we're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, and we're gonna get some p***y, and I'm gonna ******** this b***h, and ******** this b***h, I'll ******** ANYTHING THAT MOVES! What the ******** you lookin at, I'll kick yo ******** a**! s**t yeah. Doesn't that ******** owe me 10 bucks? You know, ******** tonight, we're gonna rip off that ******** head, and take out his ********' SOUL. Hey, what's up baby, what's up, sluts?
Randal Graves: My mom's been ********' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.
Jay: I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and s**t.
Dante Hicks: It wasn't me.
Caitlin Bree: [scoffs] Yeah, right. Who was it? Randal?
Dante Hicks: [to Randal] Was it you?
Randal Graves: I was up here the whole time.
Caitlin Bree: You two better quit it.
Dante Hicks: I'm serious.
Caitlin Bree: So, we didn't jus have sex in the bathroom?
Dante Hicks: No.
Caitlin Bree: Stop it. This isn't funny.
Dante Hicks: I'm not kidding. I just came in from outside.
Caitlin Bree: This isn't ******** funny Dante!
Dante Hicks: I'm not fooling around!
[to Randal]
Dante Hicks: Who went back there?
Randal Graves: Nobody, I swear!
Caitlin Bree: I feel nauseous.
Dante Hicks: Are you sure there's somebody back there?
Caitlin Bree: Well I didn't just ******** myself! Jesus Christ, I think I'm gonna be sick!
Randal Graves: You just ******** a total stranger?
Dante Hicks: Shut the ******** up!
Caitlin Bree: I can't belive this...
Dante Hicks: Call the police!
Caitlin Bree: No, don't!
Randal Graves: Why?
Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!
Randal Graves: But she said that she did all the work.
Dante Hicks: Would you shut the ******** up! Who the ******** in our bathroom?
Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!
Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent?
[reads the cover to Randal's videotape]
Dante Hicks: "Best of Both Worlds"?
Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
Dante Hicks: And you rented this?
Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons.
Caitlin Bree: I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics.
Randal Graves: So your argument is that title dictates behavior?
Dante Hicks: What?
Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me borrow your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?
Dante Hicks: Exactly.
Tabloid Reading Customer: I saw one, one time, that said the world was ending the next week. Then in the next week's paper, they said we were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a Koala-fish mutant bird. Crazy s**t.
Randal Graves: So I'm no more responsible for my own decisions while I'm here at work than, say, the Death Squad soldiers in Bosnia?
Dante Hicks: That's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.
Randal Graves: Not yet.
[takes a drink of water]
Tabloid Reading Customer: And I remember this one time the damn paper said...
[Randal spits water at him]
Tabloid Reading Customer: I'm going to break your ******** head! You ******** jerk-off!
Dante Hicks: Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He didn't mean it! He meant to hit me.
Tabloid Reading Customer: Well, he missed!
Dante Hicks: I know. I'm sorry. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even.
Tabloid Reading Customer: I'll never come in here again.
[to Randal]
Tabloid Reading Customer: And if I ever see you again, I'm gonna break your ******** head open!
[Randal salutes him, customer leaves]
Dante Hicks: What'd you do that for?
Randal Graves: Two reasons: one, I hate when the people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante Hicks: Jesus!
Randal Graves: And two, to make a point: title does not dictate behavior. If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit a mouthful of water at that guy. But I did, so my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Hence, even though I'm a clerk in this video store, I choose to go rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed?
[Dante gives Randal his car keys]
Dante Hicks: You're a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
Dante Hicks: Please, get the hell out of here.
Randal Graves: Oh, come on. You know I'm your hero.
Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: "Empire".
Randal Graves: Blasphemy!
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.
LOL, I know this is filler but oh well! I need the gold baddly for my personal quest!
 Azalin · Tue Aug 16, 2005 @ 11:57pm · 1 Comments |
