Some people would rather not hear my emotions and feelings, but you know what.. ******** them. I don't want someone to just ignore me and then expect me to remain silent for the rest of my life for their sake. I mean hell i have only been quiet because i care about them, but frankly it just is so annoying having people not want to hear what your saying just because they don't want to think about it. Frankly, it's just irritating, so if someone has a problem with my oponion, or anything you can kiss my a**. even if i have to die for my ideals i don't care, hell i have nothing left to lose.
Every day since this whole incident happened i have been hurting, and inside i feel like truthfully, noone really cares. I mean hell, everyone wants me to still be friends with the two people that hurt me the most. Then if i try to talk to them at all about the pain im going through it's like they don't want to hear it, like it's something that your not suppossed to talk about. Truthfully though, the only reason i really have just gone along is because i still care about them, but now it just feels like i am the only one. For some reason it seems like kerry is mad at me, like i did something to him, and i did absolutely nothing but get pissed at him.
I'm not a perfect person, but i mean seriously... he thinks i should trust him so much. The truth is no matter how he tries to show how he has "changed" i only feel like this is a temporary change in some feeble attempt to prove me wrong. The only reason i don't trust him is because every time that he has been in a relationship he constantly ******** up somewhere or does something i completly disagree with. I mean hell, some of the things he has done i have seen with my own eyes. You know what that feels like to have someone do some of the more disgusting things of life right in front of you, and then expect you to trust them not to do anything like that with someone they are currently with.
There is so much that i could just say, and yet i don't. My family apparently wanted to find all theese things wrong with Jill, and on a daily basis almost i have to defend my own reasons for doing what i do with them. Either way this would have happened no matter what. At least they seem to have subsided for now. I guess the only reason that I have really still stuck to my love for Jill is because all my life i have believed that a person has a horrible time in their life, and no matter what it always turns out for the better in the end. Part of me hates me for this, but i just ignore those feelings whenever possible.
One thing though, I am so sick of my friends trying to explain my actions like they really understand me. There is only one person in this whole world who has every truely understood me, but now it seems like it doesn't matter now. People wonder why im always stressed or tense or get angry easily as of late, well here ya go this entire journal is the reason for it. I just feel like everyone around me is only putting on theese fake faces like they care when they don't, and i just want to be left alone sometimes. I mean the only person i want to talk to apparrently doesn't even really acknowlege my existance.
On another notice this is getting worse with me not being able to get a good night's sleep at all. I can't sleep with the feeling like somehow i need to do something, but everything i try has so far blown back in my face. Everytime i try to get someone to understand, they just blow me off or tell me they don't want to hear it like it doesn't matter, or is unimportant. No matter what im just stressed out and on edge. There hasn't been a single moment where I have not been able to really think about this whole thing at all, it's always in the back of my mind, or hiding in the shadows lingering about... waiting to strike.
Saiyoonara,
J.T. (Pheonix)
PheonixFlare Community Member 
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