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I'm tired, now...
I guess I should explain a few things first. I'll try to keep it simple.
I'm unstable. I have been growing increasingly more unstable mentally since I was 7 years old. Only in the past five years have things gotten very noticeably bad... To be specific, I have multiple personalities.
I know. The claim a billion kiddies out there make because they're bored, or think it's cool. It's anything but.
It's exhausting. It's scary. It's just painful.
I wish I could just FIX myself. Get it out of my head. Then I could be normal.
I feel like such a failure because of them.
Because I can't control them. I can't control the things in my own head.
Though i'm sure they'd say the same thing, themselves...
There are more than a dozen of them in my head at all times. I could never count them all. But, the most... noticeable ones would be - Yuvaw and Caine.
Last year, Cage was fairly active for a good while. But now he's rarely shown face at all.
Crazy names, eh? Well, for the record, I didn't name them.
Anyway, for the past two-three months, i've been keeping this up pretty well.
I haven't let myself waver for even a minute.
I've been good.
I've been blocking out all of my emotions very well.
I've been staying awake, so I don't have those dreams.
I've been keeping myself busy, so I don't have time to stop and think those thoughts.
But... I just... can't keep it up. I'm so tired.
I want to relax, just for a bit...
But i'm so ******** afraid that if I do let go for a moment, i'll begin to slip again.
And once again, either Caine or Yuvaw will climb up into control.
But depite how much I hate that... How painful it is, how stressful, and how maddening it gets to being, i'm just so exhausted... It's so tempting to let one of them take over, just for a little while...
So I can rest...
I don't know how much longer I can let myself go through these cycles.
I'm either a hollow, happy, plastic shell.
Or an insane, manic, violent, terrified mess.
I am so, so, SO ******** tired of being broken like this.
I just want to be normal... Why can't I make them leave? Why can't I hold them down?
It's MY head!
They know I don't want them!
But they won't just die!
...
I do have one... possible thing... I could try. That might help...
But i'm terrified of it, as well...
There's an institute in Memphis.
Ugh, I hate that word. Institute...
I'll just call it what it is. A nuthouse.
Hell, last year, they took one of my friends. April.
I knew she had issues of her own. Nothing as violent as my issues - Not that it's a competition! - but she was bothered by recent turns in her life.
I was surprised they saw she was unstable enough to need to go there.
She's -still- there. For more than a year...
I can't imagine how long i'd be there if I ever did go.
The thought of being in a place like that... it's just...
Being watched at all times.
Poked and prodded by these people.
Being told when to sleep, when to eat, when to have 'fun'...
It's ******** terrifying.
I'm scared of being stuck in there, and letting -them- see me when I lose it.
But i'm also afraid of what could happen if I don't go.
If I let myself continue to get worse over the years.
What if Yuvaw has a bad day?
What if Caine has a good day?
What if they both drown me out...
I don't know what to do.
I hate how afraid I am.
I'm so ******** tired...
 edaaz · Mon Mar 03, 2008 @ 01:35am · 0 Comments |
