there are a few times in my life when i've felt like this
so inconcievably miserable that the pain is enough to make one sink to their knees and gasp for air
a gaping hole of sadness and despair and emptiness that cannot be filled
medication doesn't help
therapy doesn't help
something is wrong with me
i know that i should have a reason to feel sad, normal people have some sort of provocation for their tears.
my brain just decides that i want to cry and i cry, and cry and cry and cry
it's 1:46 AM
i went into dad's room, at night if i have one of my panic attacks or i feel like this then he always says that i can come in if i need to
i needed to, but the thing is, i have my own code
if i tap him on the shoulder and call to him and he doesn't respond i don't try to wake him again.
and so i sit on my bed, the moving lyrics of coheed and cambria pulsing through my veins as i conceive my epiphany through typed word
the ironic thing is that i keep living for others
i can't seem to pull myself together enough to do anything right
i can see it in dad's eyes, he is dissapointed in me, he doesn't think i'll ever make anything of myself
and he's a really smart guy, he holds together, he doesn't understand that i go through each day barely surviving.
sometimes i am truly happy
a lot of the time i am not
now finger 11 is playing "i'll keep your memory vague"
how...ironic
i wonder if mom is dissapointed in me too
if she were here i wonder what she would say
probably that she loves me
but i don't deserve it
i never do
ever
maybe there's a place for people like me
where a base of sadness is the norm so it blends into a tearful blur of average
a utopia for the neurotic
where do i sign up?
now sara barielles is playing with her diddy 'love song'
i only ever had one relationship
it was long distance starting on here
it didn't last
part of it was due to my inability to be happy with a situation, no matter how good
part was that he was showing all the signs of being a violent lawbreaker
which is what every girl looks for right?
i wonder if i will pass out from exhaustion before sunrise
i may be a night owl but i'm not a vampire
though matters would be a great deal less complicated if i were
sometimes i wish that i could just dissapear into one of the books i'm writing
preferably as a character that doesn't die
and never come back
DANSE MACABRE
to all who are uneducated and boorish this is one of the greatest classical pieces ever written, at least, in my opinion
it's not long at all so go youtube it
i think it expresses my mood quite well
now if you excuse me i will try and find something else to distract myself from the pain in my heart
o well
life goes on
ema
The Ink Alchemist Community Member 
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