It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
-- Source Unknown
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-- Albert Einstein
An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing.
-- Source Unknown
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.
-- Source Unknown
We have seen the enemy and it is [within] us.
-- Pogo
Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason so few engage in it.
-- Henry Ford
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
-- Mark Twain
In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.
-- Sid Caesar
Vision is the art of seeing things invisible.
-- Jonathan Swift
Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.
-- Source Unknown
I can understand German as well as the maniac that invented it, but I talk it best through an interpreter.
-- Mark Twain
If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you.
-- T. S. Eliot
If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live.
-- Martin Luther King Jr
When a girl ceases to blush, she has lost the most powerful charm of her beauty.
-- Gregory I
Friendship multiplies the good of life and divides the evil.
-- Baltasar Gracian
I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER!
-- Source Unknown
Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
-- Source Unknown
I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
-- Source Unknown
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
-- Source Unknown
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-- Mark Twain
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
-- Source Unknown
Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something!
-- Source Unknown
1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts.
-- Source Unknown
I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
-- Source Unknown
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
-- Satchel Paige
The excess of our youth are checks written against our age and they are payable with interest thirty years later.
-- Monty Python
If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
-- Mary Engelbreit
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
-- Bill Cosby
When an elephant is in trouble, even a frog will kick him.
-- Hindu Proverb
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
-- W. C. Fields
At the touch of love, everyone is a poet.
-- Plato
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
-- Ronald Reagan
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
-- Bill Cosby
I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
-- Dreams For An Insomniac
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
-- George Carlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-- George Carlin
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Fred Allen
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
-- Mark Twain
Nothing is over until we decide it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!!
-- Animal House
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
-- Burt Bacharach
People are too durable, that's their main trouble. They can do too much to themselves, they last too long.
-- Bertolt Brecht
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
-- Edward Flaherty
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.
-- Victor Borge
I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
-- Woody Allen
Man, of all the animals, is probably the only one to regard himself as a great delicacy.
-- Jacques Cousteau
He swallowed a lot of wisdom, but all of it seems to have gone down the wrong way.
-- Georg C. Lichtenberg
Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in mall parking lots.
-- Jay Trachman
If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes.
-- Source Unknown
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
-- Jerry M. Wright
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
-- Herb Caen
My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
-- Buddy Hackett
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-- Phyllis Diller
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-- Flip Wilson
These childhood memories - I have them often, but can usually keep them under control with the use of drugs.
-- Dave Barry
I never know whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his senses.
-- William M. Thackeray
If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed.
-- Lily Tomlin
Sir, you are like a pin, but without either its head or its point.
-- Douglas Jerrold
It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word.
-- Andrew Jackson
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
-- Woody Allen
I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.
-- John Barrymore
Murphy's Laws (as posted in Arizona Humor)
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks .
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think
Murphy's Third Law: In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
The wit of a graduate student is like champagne. Canadian champagne.
-- Robertson Davies
Travel is educational; it teaches you how to get rid of money in a hurry.
-- S. Barry Lipkin
I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.
-- Whoopi Goldberg
My ultimate vocation in life is to be an irritant.
-- Elvis Costello
You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.
-- Bob Hope
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Marion Barry
Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.
-- Abraham Lincoln
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.''
-- Rita Rudner
You may be a redneck if . . . you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
-- Jeff Foxworthy
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man.
-- Jack Handey
Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.
-- W. C. Fields
I can resist everything except temptation.
-- Oscar Wilde
The vote means nothing to women. We should be armed.
-- Edna O'Brien
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
-- Jack Benny
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.
-- Satchel Paige
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-- George Burns
I am not what you would call a handsome man. God did not choose to bless me with good looks, charm or a fully functional brain.
-- Bobby Bouchet, Waterboy
When a couple decide to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along
-- P.J. O'Rourke
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
-- Steve Martin
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
-- Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-- Roseanne
I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.
-- Edgar Allan Poe
Whenever, therefore, people are deceived and form opinions wide of the truth, it is clear that the error has slid into their minds through the medium of certain resemblances to that truth.
-- Socrates
I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones.
-- John Cage
Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
-- Source Unknown
Every wall is a door.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
What if "the hokey pokey" is REALLY what it's all about?
-- Curtis Spencer
The supernatural is the natural not yet understood.
-- Elbert Hubbard
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
-- Walt Disney
It is better to be killed than frightened to death.
-- Robert S. Surtees
Giving is better than receiving because giving starts the receiving process.
-- Jim Rohn
We are the people our parents warned us about.
-- Jimmy Buffett
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-- Jennifer Unlimited
If everything's under control, you're going too slow.
-- Mario Andretti
Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways.
-- Stephen Vincent Benet
If you love someone, put their name in a circle, instead of a heart, because hearts can break, but circles go on forever.
-- Source Unknown
Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
-- Antonio Smith
Life can be hard and dangerous; those seeking happiness may find sorrow.
-- Source Unknown
Love is the compass of life.
-- Peckeroy
To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent.
-- Berton Averre
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
-- Source Unknown
Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does.
-- Jane Austen
Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them.
-- Mark Twain
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
-- George Carlin
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.
-- Jim Hayes
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
-- Bernard Meltzer
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; don't walk behind me, I may not lead; walk beside me, and be my friend.
-- Albert Camus
Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.
-- Source Unknown
The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart.
-- Jaime H. Young
No woman/man is worth your tears and the only one who is, will never make you cry.
-- Source Unknown
If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them.
-- Source Unknown
A friend drops their plans when you're in trouble, shares joy in your accomplishments, feels sad when you're in pain. A friend encourages your dreams and offers advice--but when you don't follow it, they still respect and love you.
-- Doris Wild Helmering
Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you.
-- Yasser Arafat
The heart may think it knows better: the senses know that absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends. The friend becomes a traitor by breaking, however unwillingly or sadly, out of our own zone: a hard judgment is passed on him, for all the pleas of the heart.
-- Elizabeth Bowen
I have a friend who tells a tale With statements parenthetical; To start at the beginning must To her seem quite heretical; For her accounts of happenings Are full of disconnection s; She starts them in the middle, And proceeds in all directions.
-- Erica H. Stux
I'm always there to tell people that their life is not that bad. I wish it was easy to follow that advice It is important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that we are not.
-- Mignon McLaughlin
If you want to win friends, make it a point to remember them. If you remember my name, you pay me a subtle compliment; you indicate that I have made an impression on you. Remember my name and you add to my feeling of importance
-- Dale Carnegie
Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.
-- Ed Cunningham
A friend is someone who, upon seeing another friend in immense pain, Would rather be the one experiencing the pain, Than to have to watch their friend suffer.
-- Amanda Gier
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
-- Chinese Proverb
A friend to everybody and to nobody is the same thing.
-- Spanish Proverb
That's free enterprise, friends: freedom to gamble, freedom to lose. And the great thing -- the truly democratic thing about it -- is that you don't even have to be a player to lose.
-- Barbara Ehrenreich
Our friends don't see our faults, or conceal them, or soften them.
-- Joseph Addison
Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.
-- Lewis Mumford
It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
-- John Leonard
To the query, ''What is a friend?'' his reply was ''A single soul dwelling in two bodies.''
-- Aristotle
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
-- Henri Nouwen
Often we have no time for our friends but all the time in the world for our enemies.
-- Leon Uris
Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
-- Ambrose Bierce
How often we find ourselves turning our backs on our actual friends, that we may go and meet their ideal cousins.
-- Source Unknown
I can tell you, honest friend, what to believe: believe life; it teaches better that book or orator.
-- Johann Von Goethe
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I only take a drink on two occasions; when i'm thirsty and when i'm not.